On Motherhood
There are few things in life that touch you in a way that changes the entire course of your life. The birth of my son was that. He was my miracle. That said, I also didn’t understand the impact he would have on so many aspects of my life. Honestly, I don’t think I could have. Geez, it happens every min, right? Kids are born on the hour every hour and twice as many parents are created. You think to yourself, “He will be cute and lovable. Of course he will give me a headache or two, but it’s all good”. Hmmm not really! I could not have known that so much of what I was searching for on my spiritual path would come wrapped in sleepless nights and a diaper of poop! And how many of the life lessons I had learned even before I started to search.
It started the night my son was born. I felt an alertness that has never left me. No matter where I was, what I was doing, or who I was with, this child would be on my mind. He would occupy my thoughts at every moment, even in sleep, one ear always listening. The few moments I realize he has slipped out of my thoughts I’m almost surprised. I truly feel a WOW! Then I quickly return to what feels like a mental touch, like I always have one hand on his back even if he is miles away. The long run of living a hundred percent for me had ended and in walked the true meaning of unconditional love. The thing I had been searching for my entire spiritual life.
I’ve come to realize there is no real unplugging from parenting and there may never be. The moment I leave his side it feels like the mental vigilance gets stronger the further I go. I don’t know that this is true for every parent but it is very true for me. Its something I couldn’t have truly understood even if someone sat me down and earnestly tried to explain. It's one of those things you simply cannot fathom until it happens. I also would not have understood how all my years of meditation would give me many of the tools I needed to be present with my son and parent him, not from my own shadows and wounds, but from deeply listening to his. Clearing out my stuff to be ready for his was a huge bonus of the life design work I have done over the years, but I certainly didn’t know what I was preparing for at the time
I recently read Peaceful Parent Happy Kid, by Laura Markham which I highly recommend. She explains how important it is that our children be able to unload their emotional backpack and have it received with love. Even if times it feels like they need to be put in line or need to learn. Mostly, they need to be heard and have a place to let go. Don’t we all? She goes on to explain that if this happens when you are young you are more self-sufficient and resilient as an adult.
Something else equally miraculous happened to me with the birth of my son. Yes, I became a mother, but not just any mother, I became my mother. Everything that I rejected in my mother I had also inherited in some way, but it took on a new meaning the instant that Otto was placed in my arms. It has been 20 years since I lost my mother and 6 since I had my son. I remember even though I was completely exhausted, not being able to sleep on the night he was born. All I could think was “what happens if he stops breathing?” and then, “God, this child is mine!”. In that very moment I felt all the intensity behind what she was so desperately and sometimes confusingly, trying to show me. I finally understood what my arrogance told me I was too “smart” for. It was like a spiritual download that came through instantly. I felt, perhaps for the first time, how desperately she wanted to protect me and that her need to be sure I was okay ( which drove me crazy) was the motivation behind many of her choices, even those that were less than stellar. I also understood how scared she must have been at times because, let's be honest, this is a learn as you go sort of job. This was the moment I understood that all along “she” had been teaching me the true meaning of unconditional love and in that same moment I understood empathy. It was also, and continues to be, a deep dive into the practice of releasing attachment. This one I am certain to take to my grave.
There is a kind of selfless love that a mother gives. It’s like no other love that we will ever encounter. It is primal. Beyond choice or reason. My experience of my mother’s love was something like having my own special place in the world. It was totally mine, no matter when and no matter what. She was “my” mom without conditions ! I really miss that place. It helps me to know it’s what my son feels when he jumps into my arms and exclaims, “my mama!” because those are his arms and his special place where he can, as he tells me ,“get his love tank filled”.
I understand that this isn’t everyone’s experience. I wish it were. It’s also not to say that Mom and I didn’t have our moments. But, I was one of the lucky ones. No matter what she did and more importantly, no matter what I did, she loved me in every way she could. Although many of my choices as a mother are different, this “feeling” is what I pass on and share with my son. She was both the beginning and the end of my quest in many ways. Mom and I shared many things, but what I cherish most is the feeling of her love.
Of all the things we practice and sometimes learn on this path, the one lesson that shadows all others is love.
