On Love

I remember the day so clearly.

It was a beautiful early summer day. Early summer in NYC is so vibrant. It’s the best time to be in New York. It hums with possibility and excitement, but not for me on this particular day. I was walking down the street, my head hung trying to hide the tears streaming down my face. 

I had just left my therapist's office after an hour of going over once again why “he” left me.

There was a parade of “he’s” - some I truly cared for and others far less - but somehow they all ended up like this. Another difficult break up that was instantly followed by profound feelings of hopelessness and the unbearable anxiety of being left and alone.

I call it being unplugged. For me, it always felt like I had been abruptly disconnected from the person that kept me grounded and calm even if I was miserable. In my mind, being miserable with him was so much better than alone in the world without him, unplugged. On this day my therapist, with all the patience in the world, was explaining to me, yet again, that we had to work on making me feel whole — alone. The thought made my stomach turn and tears came rushing down my face. He was an amazing therapist and I wanted to believe him and I did on so many matters, but not this. My gut kept telling me “no way”. 

Now, I know the popular belief is that you should be complete on your own and, not need, but independently engage in a relationship. I heard it, I read it - hell I even taught it! - but I did not believe it. I knew from my own counseling work that not all people were the same and neither were their love models. Some loved very independently, others were great at coexisting and yet others needed very close attachments. Each closely related to how they were loved by their parents and certainly their temperament. I also knew how important love and affection was to the mental health of a person. 

As a young woman in grad school, I was taken by John Bowlby, a British psychologist  known for his work in child development and on attachment theory.

He discovered that maternal deprivation  seriously affected babies. He was speaking from his own childhood experience, as well as the research. Later, Harry Harlow, a U.S. psychologist, decided to test out Bowlby’s attachment theory by performing the infamous experiment with rhesus monkeys. He separated the baby monkeys from their mothers to see how they reacted. He put two items in the cages with the baby monkeys: a full bottle to feed them and a stuffed animal or doll that looked like an adult monkey. The doll had no type of nourishment to offer the baby. He wanted to know when faced with a choice between the two items, which one would the babies choose? Harlow wanted to answer this question not only to confirm Bowlby’s theory of attachment, but to discover the existence of unconditional love. The results showed that the baby monkeys preferred the doll, even though it didn’t give them any food. When the babies were scared, they clung tightly to the doll, because it gave them a sense of security.  Even though they didn’t get any food, they chose the doll because it had adopted the role of mother for them. It was the creature they wanted to spend their time with. The other option was mere food that brought them no warmth or affection.

If that was true of babies, why would we expect adults to be fine and healthy alone? All I knew in my gut was that I was not! I left my work with my therapist that day. That was also a separation I found very painful, but I knew I not only couldn’t do what we wanted, I didn’t believe it was right for me. The no to this request was far too deep. I might get there, but it would take me a lifetime. I decided to roll the dice and see if I could find happiness another way.

 Today I am in a mutual loving relationship where we both understand each other's love language.

We don't spend time playing games with each other's heart, instead we respect and support one another. Our energy goes into growing our love instead of beating it down. This was new for me. What was also new for me was who I chose to walk beside. You see, in the past I always picked partners that had a hard time being partners. It wasn’t easy for them to show up in a way that made me feel safe. They were more like the nourishment monkeys and I needed the stuffed warm and fuzzy kind. I grew to understand that it wasn’t love that was broken, it was who I was looking to for love that was the problem. I didn’t have to throw in the towel or sit alone with myself for years hoping one day I would find real happiness. What I had to do was look at what I understood love to be and change it to a love that worked for me. 

Essentially, if I wanted to be happy which I really did, I had to redefine who and how I loved.

 That became the work of my next 10 years. I had to learn to let go of the “excitement”, which I thought was the indicator that this is the one — but ALWAYS quickly shifted to drama, pain and so many tears. I had to learn to find feelings for a love that looked back at me not away.

Over the years, I dug deeper into how and why we pick the partners we do and what happens once we find a partner and our communication styles go terribly wrong. 

I have found that it is always a matter for the heart. All things are really. You see, we are just like those babies. We need the same things, yet we are expected to be all grown and “mature”, which somehow equals no longer needing safety, affection and love. Well, that has never made sense to me. Today, I help people find the love of the heart, not the head. I help them discover what love really is for them and their temperament. I help couples listen deeply and recognize how important their love really is. That the fights are not about the dishes, but a broken heart. 

Is my relationship perfect? Hell no! But when it is rocky, we look toward each other not away, and I know I am so much better with him and this family I am plugged into than I would ever be alone. 

On Monday February 21st 2022 at 7:45 pm EST, I will lead a “Love Unapologetically. How To Give Yourself Without Losing Yourself”, a 90-minute live online workshop for couples and singles just on these topics. If you are interested in exploring the elusive journey of love, join me.

Let’s continue the conversation. Pop a comment down below!