Four Questions That Will Lead You To Your Core Values
I have a question for you. What is your core value? The thing you stand for. The something you would live and die for.
I have asked that question a lot lately, only to discover that people didn't know; but didn't even know they should have a core value.
It's a lot like setting a ship out to sail, needing to know where it's going, and not even having a map! In my experience, most of us don't know because it is simply never asked of us, never taught, never mentioned. I didn't know my core values well into my thirties.
Today, I see it as the title of the book of my life. Like any good novel, the story must lead back to its title in some meaningful way. Isn't that why you picked up the book anyhow?
People have literally died for their core values, and others have been severely ridiculed; Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Greta Thumberg, and many more. Yet, for many of us, it needs to be clarified what they are or how they apply.
Knowing your core values made making decisions in life so much easier. In my own life, I use it as a guide. If it doesn't align with my core values; it probably isn't for me. All things needed to align with this deep value that defined who I am and, in many ways, why I am here.
What are core values?
So what are these core values anyway? They are what we stand for. What has real meaning in our lives? They guide us to design our lives according to what we believe and value instead of flying by the seat of our pants, as they say.
Core values are close to your soul. They are things like justice, communication, honesty, fairness even love. It's the thing you feel must be present in your life. What helped me to find mine was envisioning sitting with my child and saying something like this "Honey, the most important thing in life is to be ______. "
According to Schwartz's Theory of Basic Values, "Effect and values are inextricably connected. Values become saturated with emotion once we activate them. They transcend specific situations and actions, distinguishing them from attitudes and norms."
For me, it gives my life richness and meaning. I know what I stand for, and, in some instances, I am willing to fight for it. Or, at the very least, I am aware of things I won't do because it simply wouldn't work for me.
It means ultimately knowing yourself at your core.
When we are unaware of these values, in many ways, we don't know who we are. We are still trying to find ourselves constantly testing things out to see if it "feels" right, kinda like teenagers. This knowledge of our core values takes much of the guesswork out of life.
Now, this is not to say that you should become rigid. Not at all! Once you know what truly makes you tick, all you will feel is freedom.
Unveiling your core value
As I mentioned, I only discovered they existed when I was about 35. I was in a course for self-discovery, and simultaneously, I was in a massive existential crisis! The guru asked what had meaning in our lives. What were our deepest core beliefs and values? People's hands shot up while I shrank. "How the hell are they so sure?"
Then he asked if they had a pinnacle moment that coincided with this value. Many told stories in their lives where they came face to face with a decision and had to soul search for the answer. That answer is held within the title of their story, their Core Story, and their defining moment.
They were sure because life pulled it out of them. I thought about my life and all the changes I had recently incurred. I had left my eleven-year marriage, quit my job of 10 years, and dropped out of my Ph.D. program all in the same six months. I felt rattled at my core or was listening to my core for the first time. Was I, at 35, finding out what my core really was instead of listening to what the world told me it should be?
I left that workshop still unsure of the title of my book, but a door had been opened. The first thing I knew was obvious; I should have a Core Value; second, I was determined to find it. Little did I know it was one and the same. That determination was my core value. In all these endings, I was planting the seeds of beginnings. My entire being was telling me that auto-pilot was not for me. I had to live my life awake and alive! I had to live consciously and was willing to blow up my entire life for it.
Scott Jeffrey says, "Values aren't selected; they are discovered. We don't choose our values. Our values reveal themselves to us." Mine certainly did.
If you are reading this, you may already know how my story goes. Years later, I opened a studio for conscious living and have been teaching Life Design, a journey of self-discovery in some form, for most of my adult life.
Here are four questions that may help you discover your core value.
Four questions that could lead you to your Core Value
Think about a pivotal moment when you had to make an important decision. What was the deciding factor?
What word or words come up when you talk about yourself? Fill in this sentence; it might help. No matter what, I always _____.
What would the title or subtitle be if you wrote a book about your life?
If you had children, what is the lesson you would want to be sure they learned?
When I teach the Core Values section of the Life Design course, I have my students draw what essentially looks like a sun. The circle in the middle is where your core value is placed. Then each ray of that sun stands for Love, Money, Career, Family, Friends, Health, and Community. We can look at each of these aspects of our life and see if we are in or out of alignment with our values.
In alignment, all good.
Out of alignment, there is work to be done.
But not just blind work. Not just fixing what we aren't even sure is broken. Now you have this beautiful context to guide you. You can trace all parts of your life back to this governing concept.
Do you see how much easier it makes things when you know what you believe?
